Where does confidence come from? - My Star Steppers Story

Written by Cathryn Ottowell

I have always been told I should dance. From the days where I was crawling in time to the music, until now – everyone told me I should dance. However, standing in the spotlight was never going to be me.

My name is Cathryn and my journey at Star Steppers starts when I was 7 years old, exactly a decade ago. My mum got the details, and the next thing I know I'm at 'bring a friend week' in Chaddesden. I don't remember what I did, but I know I thoroughly enjoyed it, overwise I wouldn't be here writing this. The first performance I did was an end of term showcase. Laura-Jayne (The Principal at the time) asked for a small group of dancers to improvise an acrobatic section. My friend put her hand up, so I thought ‘oh, she’s doing it, that means I can, they wouldn’t pick me and not her’; that’s exactly what happened. There I was - shaking - about to perform with a group of people I didn’t know, in front of an audience I didn’t know, but I don’t remember anything else, so it must have been fine.

The truth is, I had always been the shy kid. Confidence was a word in another language, a language I could only dream of. I don’t know if it was embarrassment, fear, or a bit of both, but there was no chance that the word confident could be used in my biography.

After this showcase I moved to the Breadsall centre, as I wanted to learn ballet and tap. Initially, I forced my mum to stay with me as the idea of talking to other children filled me with terror. But soon enough preparations for my first show ‘TEN’ began so my mum pushed me to stay by myself – I think she was grateful to gain two hours away from me. I don’t remember much about TEN, but I recall the excitement of getting to show my parents the dances I had been learning, especially my Peter Pan dance. I also remember starting a conversation with a group of girls who would go on to be the girls I always danced with and I’m still friends with today.

Moving on to my next show – Putting on the Glitz - it was 2018 and I had double the number of dances as I was dancing at both Breadsall and Chaddesden – this meant 11 dances and 3 quick changes. The scale of dances led to several incidents, like not wearing any leggings and my parents making constant clock jokes, as I was playing Cogsworth in my tap dance: “Do you need a hand” – they weren’t funny.

Having already done one show, my confidence had grown on stage, but I was still very quiet. I rarely spoke in practice, I let others do the talking. I always felt pressured. I was the oldest in my group, one of the oldest in juniors; I felt this need for whatever I said to be correct but looking back I don’t know where this pressure came from, as it definitely wasn’t from my friends at school or at dance.

The first time I remember being comfortable to talk during practise was in the preparation for my third show – The great American road trip. At the time I was in class 3, so Ella (one of the dance teachers) would take us into the back room at Breadsall.

Here I was with friends and a teacher I admired. I have very fond memories of being in this group. It was always fun and exciting, but it was cut short by an international pandemic.

It was during the first lockdown that my relationship with dance altered. I didn’t enjoy it as much. I was near the end of year 7 and due to zoom classes, I was having to do a class 1 level dance to Moana. At this time, I left Chaddesden, but I still liked to dance. I was just desperate to be a senior, to be in the big girl dances – this was when Anthony, a new teacher arrived. My first memory of Anthony was him taking class 3 into the backroom and doing cheer jumps. It was a basic activity, but he made it into a game and for saying I despised cheer jumps, I really enjoyed that practise. 

Shortly after, Laura-Jayne left the school in the hands of Anthony who became the new Principal, and I was now dancing with the seniors. Suddenly I was one of the youngest in the room and this is where my confidence dipped again. I went back to not speaking during practice and I would only talk when I was with my friends.

This was how it was for some time, until my next show ‘Kaleidoscope’. It was during this show that I had a realisation that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. My favourite dance I have ever done was the chessboard dance; I played the white street dancing knight, and I remember thinking ‘go for it, be angry’. Due to this change in mindset, people saw that I was confident as I was being complimented for my performance. My confidence on the dance floor was being complimented, that story of being the shy kid was over. This mindset has stayed with me. Now when I perform, I see it as a full package - not just some steps. And as a bonus, if you go wrong, just smile - no one will notice.

After ‘Kaleidoscope’ I started my silver Duke of Edinburgh award, so I started assisting at Mackworth when I was 14. Having confidence on stage was one thing, but having the confidence to teach 20 children was on a completely different level. The first time I walked into that room was terrifying, but nevertheless, it got increasingly more comfortable and now I really enjoy my Tuesday afternoons. I feel immense pride for the students, like how I cried watching their Skeleton Sam dance in the next dance show ‘Imagine’. Teaching with Star Steppers has helped me grow a louder voice and made me realise that I want to go into teaching as a career. I don’t think I can possibly forget the memories from Mackworth, or the noise.

Star Steppers has given me plenty of opportunities, from portraying ABBA to becoming a queen of Henry VIII and being a clock to opening the show. Dance has allowed me to grow my confidence and become the person I am today, even though I still can’t answer that question: Where does confidence come from? What Star Steppers has done for me I could never repay, but if I was to give one bit of advice to any other dancer out there, I would say It doesn’t matter if you’re the shy kid or not, stepping into the spotlight can be you.

My name is Cathryn Ottowell, and this is my Star Steppers Journey.